They are known as The Four Horsemen. And yes, that's the apocalypse, kind. They could be seen every Tuesday night doing everything they could to spend time together, generally causing one form of trouble or another. Every leader in the building knew them by name. And one of them was mine.
Eighth grade is the third year for Brigaders. For my "horseman," it was just one more opportunity to make it through an entire year without getting thrown out of the organization. His first two years had ended that way, and I am known for believing we can do more for kids IN the organization than for those who have been asked to leave. All four horsemen tested the limits, this year.
This past Tuesday was our last night. I went to the Brigade with high hopes and a bit of pride. All of my kids, including the horseman, had made it through the year successfully. In fact, the young man who had never earned a single award would receive his service medal (for completing the year) as well as a perfect attendance award. Quite an accomplishment for someone who usually ended his year early.
The night started normally enough. Eighth graders consuming more candy and soda then needed in the moments before our 7 p.m start. Young men antsy when asked to spend 15 minutes evaluating the year's programs. And excitement when we headed to the gym for physical activities, almost certain to be dodgeball.
It was then that I realized something wasn't quite right with the horseman. He was wound up, but lacked the usual attitude. Though chaotic and disruptive, he generally had a "this is funny" approach. Good or bad, he faced things with a smile. That night, he was withdrawn and seemed depressed. Trying to avoid a ball rolling his way, he slipped and cracked his head on the wall. Bad getting worse.
When other groups started arriving, one young man started right in on the horseman and things went downhill from there. Feeling his personal space and his "rep" being threatened, he lashed out physically, and I had to pull him off the other kid. As other leaders came down on him, he got more and more tense. Finally, he stormed off threatening to just go home.
I followed him and found him sitting on the stairs in tears. It was easy to see he was hurting, and I walked the fine line of correcting unacceptable behavior and reaching out to find the real source of the outbursts. After some time, he finally shared that he had just found out his parents were separating. I did the only thing I could. I told him I could understand his pain, though I couldn't really relate to it. I was 23 when my parents got divorced. I have no idea how that might feel at 14.
He asked if he could leave, and I asked him to stay for the awards. He figured he wasn't getting anything, so saw no point. I asked him to stay, and to let me be the leader who determines if he gets an award. I hoped getting something might help.
He stayed. He got his awards. And he ripped up the envelope on his way out of the auditorium. The small amount of respect paid was that he did this quietly. I followed him out and tried one last time to reach out to him. I could only let him know that regardless of his home situation, there WERE adults who cared for him unconditionally. I won't know until next year if it had any impact.
As I watched the four horsemen storm off, I realized how badly my back was hurting. And at that moment, it seemed so trivial. I looked back at some of the aches and pains I've experienced and realized how minor they were in comparison. My little horseman was experiencing more pain than I've ever faced. And I only know the surface of what he's working through.
I went and trained Wednesday and Thursday with a little bit better perspective. Everyone experiences pain in their lives. But the pain in this young man's eyes was something that can't be solved as easily as my back. I can take some ibuprofen or get some rest and the pain will vanish. Others face pain that only time and growth can help alleviate.
We all hear it and it's something we can't hear enough. Hug your children and TELL them you love them. When you're mad at them let them know that though you might not like them at the moment, you do love them. And don't stop just because they've moved past being the cute child of the toddler years. It's tough being a teenager, too.
Don't wake up one day to find out that your child has become one of the horseman.
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